The first time I saw a plastic bird being used to shoo away real ones was on top of our local grocery store. It took three visits for me to realize that the very still bird that was always perched in the exact same spot wasn’t real.

For some reason, the front porch of our home attracts barn swallows. Each spring, the swallows return to build a nest in the exact same spot. I let it go for a couple of years — live and let live, I say — but then the jerks began taking advantage of my generous nature. I didn’t mind hearing “cheep cheep cheep” every time I left the house, but after a while the little buggers started dive-bombing me every time I walked up the sidewalk. In addition to the attacks and the noise, the birds coated everything on the front porch with poop. Our chair, our statue, and even the porch lantern are covered in an avian fecal winter wonderland.

Last fall after the birds moved out I sprayed down the abandoned nest using the garden hose. Beginning this spring, I monitored the porch more closely. Any time I saw the slightest hint that the birds were rebuilding, I’d re-spray the corner clean. Surely, I thought, after knocking down the beginnings of a nest ten times, the swallows would get the hint and move along.

We went out of town for four days and returned to a completely built nest, filled with eggs.

Not wanting to knock down a nest full of eggs, I went with Plan B and ordered the Bird B Gone Hawk Decoy from Amazon for around $13. According to Amazon, the Bird B Gone Hawk is designed to strike fear into the hearts of all lesser birds. Before it arrived, I stumbled across an animated owl at a garage sale for only a dollar. I went from owning zero fake birds to two in 48 hours.

Side by side, the fake owl is the more impressive of the two. It’s motion sensitive, which means each time I enter or exit my house, the owl goes “hoo, hoo” and its head spins around like Regan’s in The Exorcist. The plastic hawk is not animated, although its “mock predator eye and shiny reflective surface” (read: plastic) is supposed to be enough to deter birds from approaching.

One morning before work I placed the owl in the corner under the nest and the hawk in the bushes in front of the house.

I came home to discover the owl’s head covered in a layer of white poop, looking like a snow-capped mountain. “Hoo, hoo!” it said as I approached the front door. The owl tried to rotate its mechanical head, but with so much bird poop both on and in the gears, the movement was less than smooth. The hawk fared better; he was leaning at a 45 degree angle, but still inside the bushes. I’m not sure if it was knocked over by the wind or by another animal, but I have my suspicions.

The only effect my two fake birds seem to have had is that now the real birds are more aggressive. They don’t attack the fake birds so much as they now continually attack me. Instead of hanging out in their nest, they now perch on the edge of gutter, dive-bombing me every time I walk up or down the sidewalk.

So there you have it. This was a few weeks ago. I went outside to take a picture of the nest for this post and was attacked by a swallow. If anyone wants a poop-covered owl, a plastic statue of a hawk, or a used sparrow’s nest, shoot me an offer.

My friend Guy recently sent me a link to an obscure sitcom that only ran for six episodes back in 1987: The Popcorn Kid.

The Popcorn Kid starred Bruce Norris as Scott Creasman, a high school junior who works at the Majestic, an old-style, single screen movie theater located in Kansas City, Missouri. Scott works in the theater’s concession stand along with three of his classmates. There’s Willie Dawson, the African-American star football player; Gwen Stottlemeyer, the sensible, intelligent, and down-to-earth girl; and Lynn Holly Brickhouse, the ditsy and beautiful blonde cheerleader. Also working at the Majestic are Marlin Bond, the projectionist who perhaps has spent too much time cooped up in his booth; and Leonard Brown, manager of the theater and pseudo father figure to the kids.

The characters’ roles are established in the pilot episode. Scott works at the Majestic, and wants to work in the movie business somehow, someday. He’s got a crush on the airheaded Lynn Holly, even though it’s obvious to the audience (and everyone else) that he is destined to end up with Gwen (who shows affection toward Scott). Willie is always late to work because of football practice. Marlin the projectionist plays an aloof Kramer-esque character, constantly quoting scenes from movies that must have gone over 90% of the viewing audience’s head, and manager Leonard is a stereotypical cranky-but-means-well manager who reminded me of Red, the father from That ’70s Show.

Of the six episodes that exist, none are particularly deep, even by sitcom standards. In the pilot episode, off-camera owners threaten to convert the Majestic into a modern multiplex, until Scott earns the theater a stay of execution by convincing the owners the landmark Majestic is worth more as a tax write off. Two of the six episodes revolve around Lynn Holly: in “There She Is, Vic Damone,” Scott tries to find Lynn Holly’s talent to help her win a beauty pageant, and in “The Break Up,” Lynn Holly breaks up an boyfriend who has graduated high school and joined the marines, and Scott ends up as the convenient scapegoat. In “Career Day,” the students decide what they want to do after their stints at the Majestic, which leads to conflict between Scott and his father.

The final two episodes are also the strangest. In “A Day in the Life of Ed Asner,” the theater puts on a film festival in honor of Ed Asner. After Asner arrives at the theater, a tornado appears out of nowhere, which cancels the festival and forces all the employees (along with Asner) down into the basement. Marlin convinces Asner to reenact a scene from one of his old films, and then the episode ends. Some of the jokes in this episode are weird, while others never pay off.

In “A Car, a House, a Mouse and a Louse,” the sixth and final episode, the Majestic is robbed by the world’s most polite and innocent crook. First, the crook has Leonard open the theater’s safe. When that nets next to nothing, he then has Scott retrieve the cash register till from the concession stand. When even that gets him next to nothing, he has all the employees (along with one customer) empty their pockets, which nets the criminal $22. In a final act of desperation, he takes the hubcaps and stereo from Willie’s newly acquired ’53 Chevy. By the end of the episode, I began to wonder how the Majestic was able to keep the lights on while supporting six full time employees. Perhaps the fact that there wasn’t a seventh episode was my answer.

For a show that almost entirely took place in a movie theater, The Popcorn Kid never mentioned any modern movies. It would have been great to see posters from 80s films and maybe even episodes that references those films, but instead we get Milton showing The Day the Earth Stood Still and a tribute to Ed Asner. I get that the Majestic wasn’t your average, mainstream multiplex, but for a show filmed in 1987, save for the neon pink lights and Lynn Holly’s hair, The Popcorn Kid doesn’t feel very 80s at all.

Compared to more successful sitcoms, episodes of The Popcorn Kid lack the punch we’re used to. The conflicts aren’t resolved in any grand way. When saves the Majestic from a modern face lift, it is done off screen and over the phone. When he shares the good news with his co-workers, they barely offer a half-hearted “hooray.”

It’s obvious that the show was just ramping up, and it’s easy to imagine where things might have gone in future episodes. The love triangle between Scott, Lynn Holly and Gwen obviously would have developed over time. Maybe Scott would have become a supervisor at the Majestic, and Willie might have developed into more than just a high school athlete. As it is none of that happened, and the employees of the Majestic remain trapped in the spring of 1987, trying to make it through another day at the concession stand forever.

If you want to check out the show for yourself, here is a YouTube playlist that contains all six episodes. Enjoy!

Link: The Popcorn Kid (YouTube)

If I could only share one story with you about my uncle Buddy, this would be the one.

Around the time Susan and I began dating in 1993 I attempted to impress her with the fact that I visited Chicago “all the time.” What I neglected to tell her was that every time I had ever visited Chicago, I had done so while riding in the back seat of my parents’ car. Susan called my bluff and suggested the two of us should hop in her new car and visit the Windy City on our own. I panicked, and asked my dad for directions (“take I-44 to St. Louis and hang a left at the arch”). Somehow, without a GPS or much common sense, the two of us found both the “big arch” and, eventually, Chicago.

I don’t think we called ahead and told any of my relatives that we were coming to Chicago, but that didn’t really matter as there was always a place to crash once you got there, especially at my grandma’s house. Grandma O lived on the first floor of a two-story house and my aunt Linda and uncle Buddy lived upstairs. Between the front porch, the couches, and my aunt and uncle’s spare bedroom, there was always room for visitors.

Because of our complete lack of planning both my aunt Linda and grandma had to work the day after Susan and I arrived, but uncle Buddy was off and agreed to take us around Chicago.

Let me take a moment to paint this picture. My uncle Buddy was a big guy with tattoos on his arms and damaged vocal chords from accidentally drinking lye as a child. To a twenty-year-old me, he looked like the bad guy in every 70s biker flick (which is funny, once you got to know him). Buddy married my aunt Linda in the late 1980s, so it’s entirely possible that I had only met Buddy a couple of times in person prior this trip, and Susan had never met him at all. So for someone who barely knew us to step up and say “I’ll show you town” on a whim was pretty neat.

The next morning the three of us hopped on the train and headed downtown. We ate lunch at Ricobene’s, and I will never forget it. Susan and I both bought gigantic chicken Parmesan sandwiches that were bigger than our heads. There was no way either of us could finish our sandwiches, so we took our leftovers with us in a paper sack. After lunch the three of us went to the Field Museum and then the Shedd Aquarium, all while carrying around those heavenly-smelling to-go sacks. After a few hours, all that extra marinara sauce and grease began to leak through until the bottoms began to give way. Eventually the bags completely disintegrated and we were forced to dump our soggy sacks and sandwiches into a trash can. If I close my eyes, I can still smell them.

I have lots of memories of uncle Buddy and food. I remember another time Susan and I arrived in Chicago and my uncle said he would throw something on the stove for us for dinner. Thirty minutes later we were upstairs eating fettuccine Alfredo covered with the biggest prawn you ever saw. My uncle Buddy loved to cook and loved food. He loved my aunt Linda, and he loved all of us, too. And we loved him.

Over the weekend my family and I drove to Denver and back to attend my friend Robb’s wedding (and did a few other things while we were in town, too). Many years ago prior to embarking on a cross-country road trip, picking out the CDs I was going to take with me was an important part of the trip-planning process. Today there is physical price to pay for cramming thousands of songs onto our phones, but back then, more CDs meant more space. Back in the 1990s, the solution to this problem was to purchase lots of “greatest hits” and “best of” compilations that packed lots of great songs onto a single CD.

The first CD wallet I ever owned for my car held a total of 24 discs. In honor of that wallet and my recent trip to Denver, I present to you (in no particular order) 24 of my favorite “greatest hits” CDs. My self-imposed rules for this list were that I had physically purchased the CD at some point in the past, and that each disc was a “greatest hits” album that contained songs from a single performer.

1. Duran Duran – Decade: Fourteen tracks, twelve of which are classics (I skip “Skin Trade” and “All She Wants Is”). If you owned a radio in the 1980s (or watched MTV for more than ten minutes) then you remember “Hungry Like the Wolf,” “Rio,” and “Is There Something I Should Know.” Like all of the discs on this list there aren’t a lot of deep cuts here, but everything on the disc is a classic.
2. Beach Boys – 20 Good Vibrations: I had this album (or one similar to it) on vinyl when I was a kid. It’s hard to imagine anyone unfamiliar with most (if not all) of the songs on this album — everything from “California Girls” to “Surfin’ U.S.A.” make appearances. Rounding out 19 classic tracks is the more modern “Kokomo“, probably the newest Beach Boys song I know.
3. The Cars – Greatest Hits: The Cars have released several greatest hits, best of, and anthology collections throughout the years, but Greatest Hits is just what it advertises. Everything from “Shake It Up” to “Just What I Needed” and “Let’s Go” make appearances. You’ll have to buy one of the larger compilations to get tracks like “Moving in Stereo,” “Candy-O,” and “Cruiser,” but there’s not a sour moment on the included thirteen tracks.
4. Journey – Greatest Hits: With songs like like “Don’t Stop Believin’,”Any Way You Want It” and “Separate Ways,” this album contains an hour’s worth of road trip sing-along songs. The only danger with packing this one is there’s a good chance your passengers may hold their lighters up during “Faithfully” and “Open Arms” and burn your headliner. I can’t think of a single other Journey song I wish they had included.
5. Billy Idol – Idolize Yourself: With cuts like “White Wedding” and “Mony Mony,” pretty much every Idol classic is included. Growing up, I owned Vital Idol, another Billy Idol compilation that lacked “Rebel Yell” and pre-dated “Cradle of Love,” both of which appear here. Non-fans may bail early when later tracks like “John Wayne” and “New Future Weapon” arrive, but the first 13-14 tracks will have you dancing with yourself.
6. Blondie – The Best of Blondie: – I grew up listening to my dad’s copy of this album. Originally released in 1981, I don’t see a reason to buy anything newer. With hits like “Call Me,” “One Way or Another,” and “Heart of Glass,” This one has all the hits I need. Plus, it always impresses my kids when I know every word to the rap from “Rapture” and I get to explain to them that Fab Five Freddy was a real guy.
7. Prince – The Very Best of Prince: – If this disc has any drawback it’s that it only contains four tracks from Purple Rain, which is practically a greatest hits offering in its own right. Along with “When Doves Cry” and “Purple Rain,” you get tracks before that like “1999” and “Little Red Corvette” and ones after like “Raspberry Beret,” “Kiss,” and “U Got the Look.” There are a few too many New Power Generation tracks toward the end for my taste, but that doesn’t detract from the dozen solid tracks that precede them. (PS: It’s pretty hard to find Prince tracks on YouTube.)
8. Styx – Greatest Hits: – This album contains every Styx song I love including “Renegade“, “Sail Away,” and “Mr. Roboto,” and a couple that are just okay. This album surprises everyone with how many Styx songs they know.
9. Huey Lewis and the News – Time Flies…: Released in ’96, Time Flies includes twelve solid Huey Lewis hits including “The Heart of Rock and Roll,” “Workin’ for a Livin’,” and “Heart and Soul,” and four previously unreleased tracks that I could mostly live without. Still, a dozen clean, fun tracks on the road makes for an hour of entertainment.
10. Creedence Clearwater Revival – Chronicle: This is the only Creedence album I ever owned. Twenty great songs; not a bad one in the bunch. “Long As I Can See the Light” will break you down on a long, dark road, while “Travelin’ Band” will bounce you right back.
11. The Police – Greatest Hits: There are other great songs from both Sting and the Police, but this is a great collection of their hits from the late 70s/early 80s. It’s got most of the classic radio singles like “Everything She Does is Magic” and “Message in a Bottle” without all the solo-Sting stuff that nobody (except Sting) wants to hear. The album’s one shortcoming is that the classic “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” has been replaced with an inferior and unnecessarily updated version, a downright baffling decision.
12. Phil Collins – Greatest Hits: A quick scan on Amazon reveals that Phil Collins has released almost as many greatest hits packages as he’s had great hits, and that’s saying something. The CD I own contains sixteen tracks and pre-dates “I Can’t Dance,” which is just fine with me. “Take Me Home” and “I Wish It Would Rain” are just two of the album’s stand out tracks. To this day, I’ve yet to meet anyone actually name “Sussudio.”
13. Billy Joel – Greatest Hits Vol. 1&2: Maybe it’s cheating to include a double-disc package, but let’s assume I would cram both discs into one sleeve. This compilation kicks off with “Piano Man” and never lets up. No matter what happens, “She’s Always a Woman to Me“. Two solid discs of classic road trip songs.
14. Elton John – Greatest Hits Vol. 1: This is a CD you can find for 99 cents in every pawn shop (it’s the one with Elton in a white suit, hat and sunglasses sitting at his piano). It contains 11 classic classics from the man himself including “Daniel” and “Rocket Man“. The only glaring omission from this era is my favorite Elton John song, “Tiny Dancer.”
15. Elvis – Elv1s: I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Elvis, but it’s tough to go wrong with 30 #1 hits from the King. My only complaint about this one is there are a lot of slow jams that may mess up your road-trip vibe. With 30 songs on a single disc to choose from, the slow ones are easy enough to skip — besides, what’s a road trip without “Jailhouse Rock” and “All Shook Up“?
16. The Beatles – 1s: Another collection of number one hits, this time from our four friends from Liverpool. Today I keep a dozen Beatles albums on my phone at all times, but back when space was at a premium, this was a great way to keep 27 classic Beatles tracks on a single disc. Includes two of my favorites, “Day Tripper” and “Paperback Writer.”
17. Hall and Oates – Greatest Hits–Rock ‘n’ Soul, Part 1: There are a couple of different greatest hits packages from this popular duo, but this is the one I grew up with. Here you get 11 solid tracks and a live version of “Wait for Me” that is just as good, if not better, than the original. If I were ever going to sing karaoke I would sing either “She’s Gone” or “Sara Smile,” but since I never will, the next best thing are my car performances.
18. Heart – These Dreams: Seventeen classic Heart tracks, including tracks from the 70s (“Heartless” and 80s (“Alone“). Like the Police greatest hits, Heart opted to include an alternate version of one of their most popular tracks, this time a live version of the rocker “Barracuda.” This is easily fixable today, but back in the day it was pretty annoying not to have the original cut.
19. Whitesnake – Whitesnake’s Greatest Hits: I almost didn’t list this one because, to be honest, I’d almost prefer to have the band’s 1987 self-titled album with me instead. Of course you get “Still of the Night” and “Here I Go Again” along with a few older tracks like “Slide it In” and “Slow an’ Easy,” but you lose tracks like “Bad Boys” and “Children of the Night,” two of my favorites.
20. Rick Springfield – The Best of Rick Springfield: Yet another musician who has recorded a ton of songs that don’t appear on this compilation, but everything I want from Rick is here. Plenty of rock anthems to sing along to in the car here including “Love Somebody,” “I’ve Done Everything For You,” and of course, “Jesse’s Girl.” Unless you’re a fan of Springfield’s newer work, this CD is all you need.
21. Men at Work – Contraband (The Best Of): Often written off as a one hit wonder by 80s revisionists, Men at Work had a long series of hits, all of which appear here. Sure, “Man Down Under” made the cut, but you also get “It’s a Mistake,” “Be Good Johnny,” and one of my favorite songs of all time, “Overkill.”
22. Michael Jackson – Number Ones: The third artist on my list who can release an entire album full of number one hits. Occasionally I skip some of the tracks like “Billie Jean” and “Beat It” just because I’ve heard them a million times, but “Thriller,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Dirty Diana” always get play.
23. Joe Jackson – Steppin’ Out: Unrelated to Michael, I discovered Joe Jackson through his single (and one of my favorite songs of all time) “Steppin’ Out.” It wasn’t until I purchased this CD that I discovered “Sunday Papers,” the sentimental “Be My Number Two,” and early punk track “Look Sharp!”
24. Queen – Greatest Hits: Yes, we’ve all heard “We Are the Champions” and “Another One Bites the Dust” a zillion times, but so what? “You’re My Best Friend,” “Killer Queen,” and “Bicycle Race” are all road-trip classics. And just when you think your eyelid are drooping and you don’t think you can drive another mile, throw on “We Will Rock You,” pull out the air guitar, and nail that solo as you put the pedal to the metal and cruise off into the sunset.

Here are a few honorable mentions that didn’t quite make the cut. Like all the albums listed above, I own all of these on CD and have them on my phone as well.

Over the years, I’ve come to appreciate June 27.

My wife’s birthday is June 26. As of this year, 2017, the two of us have been married half our lives. That’s a lot of birthdays to celebrate together. June 28, two days later, is Morgan’s birthday. Today, Morgan turns twelve — a “tween” now, officially, although I feel like she’s been a tween for quite some time.

I associate Susan’s birthday with good times from the past, the memories of road trips and vacations and adventures. Morgan’s birthday is more about looking forward; youth, and the road ahead that awaits them.

June 27, the day between those two dates, is a lull in the motion — a break from the whirlwind of parties and plans and celebrations and cake. It’s one day in the middle of a crazy week where I can pause, appreciate all the great memories we’ve made together, and dream about all the adventures yet to come.

Happy birthday Susan and Morgan. Here’s to all the birthdays we’ve celebrated together and many more.