I am sitting in my truck in Norman Regional Hospital’s parking lot. It’s Saturday morning, 10:23am. “Living Our Dream,” one of the several Oklahoma Weight Loss Options support groups, doesn’t meet for another 40 minutes. With the radio off, the only sound inside the cab is the occasional rush of wind blowing through the slightly cracked windows. For the next 40 minutes it’s just me, sitting in silence, wondering how on earth things got to this point.
Attending this meeting is a prerequisite for having lapband surgery, which I have elected to do. The surgery takes place December 4th. For 10 days prior to the surgery I will be restricted to a liquid diet. I chose the date I did so that the liquid diet would start two days after Thanksgiving. A shrink would have a field day with that decision.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about this surgery that I don’t even know where to begin, but the one one general feeling that invades all of them is embarassment. I am embarassed to be this overweight. I am embarassed that I have to resort to such drastic measures in order to lose weight. I am embarassed about the way I look. I am embarassed that I cannot control my eating. I am embarassed about what size of clothes I wear. I am embarassed that I have failed so many diets and exercise plans. I am embarassed that I cannot seem to win this battle. Ultimately, I am embarassed that I am having this surgery. I don’t like to talk about it and I don’t want to talk about it, but assuming I see weight loss similar to Susan (who has lost over 130 pounds now since March), I suspect I’ll be forced into talking about it. There won’t be any hiding that.
On the heels of embarassment is fear. I am not afraid of the surgery itself, at least not the physical aspects ot it. I am afraid of its long-term affects on my life, particularly social ones. Food is such a big part of all of our lives. I fear the awkwardness that is sure to arise the first time I go out to eat with friends or family and I cannot join them. I am afraid of what people will say. I worry that I am making the wrong choice. I worry that I will make meals awkward for others around me. Sometimes it seems like the only way I know how to socialize with friends is over a good meal. I worry about how this will affect that.
As I weigh the pros and cons of this decision, I actually begin to come up with a few positive things about being overweight. Ultimately I know I’m kidding myself, but the list is somewhat entertaining (at least to me). The list of the effects of morbid obesity are printed on the list in my hand. Some of the things like “degenerative arthritis” and “heartburn” make me think, “I can live with that.” As the list gets more serious — diabetes, heart disease, shortened life span — it becomes harder to wave them off.
“I wonder if they’ll have snacks at the meeting,” I think to myself, cracking a nervous smile. They may take my gut, but they will never take my sense of humor.
Rob, more than anything your friends will never make you feel as though you have created awkwardness for us. We are so very proud of you and Susan both that we are going to be nothing but supportive and encouraging. Andy and I are and always will be here for you guys, as you have been for us. Through it all we know you will remain the Rob that keeps smiles on all of us and that’s all we ask. Congratulations on taking such a big step for you and for your family. There are plenty of get togethers that we’ll still be able to have – bowling, mini golf, Wii playing, go carts, taking all of the kiddos to the part, etc. We can’t wait for many more years of friendship! We love you!
Andy and Lea
I think it’s outstanding that you are doing something in an attempt to take care of something that embarrases you to this extent. I (and Heather) am a little envious as I am still caught up in not being able to control my eating and unlike yourself the surgery in not an option for me do to finacial concerns. I think your friends like you for the way you make us feel around you, not the great places to eat you have shown us. Any awkwardness encountered will be shortterm at best and the longterm benefits far outway any shortterm considerations. I am sure I will talk to you before the surgery but incase I do not good luck and as Lea stated you have many friends and if you or Susan need anything please feel free to ask.
Jeff
You’re gonna do great and I’m really proud of you! The first concert T-shirt is on me, even if they are like 70 bucks now.
Just know that the payoff is so worthwhile and life will settle down to a NEW ‘normal.’ And yes that new normal includes eating differently. But, that new normal also includes all kinds of great things that we’ve lost one by one over the years due to the weight. I’m glad you’re going to get those things back with me.
In one year, read this blog and all the comments that come from it. I bet you’ll be grateful for all you’ve been through. I used to wish (pray, really) that I’d wake up skinny, but now I get it that the journey getting here actually was pretty meaningful.
Everything you can imagine is real. ~Picasso
Good Luck Rob!
Hope everything goes ok and will see you at the next OKVE or OCOP get-together. Whenever that may be.
-Josh
I’m sure your surgery will be laptacular. Don’t worry, be lappy.
After surgery come home and watch Pee-Wee’s newest character: Lappy.
…or Adam Sandler singing “Lappy Band … lap, lappy band”
Ok wow, I’m 12.
Can’t say all the wonderful things that are in my heart. Just send you all my love, good wishes, pride, and blessings for what you’re doing. Your life will change, but it will be for the better. I’ve heard, said, and could pass on all the cliche’s about eating, health, etc., but you’ve heard them all a million times. Most of them are true, but they all sound so trite. But like Susan said, a year from now you’ll be saying “What took me so long!” Life can only get better from here! Love, Mom
Good luck Rob! If you want, post your experiences on the digitpress forums. Im sure there are a few members thinking about weight loss surgery.
Once again good luck!
-Kejoriv from Digitpress forum