The first tie I can remember wearing was an all black tie. I got it because I needed to wear a black tie under my red robe for my senior picture. The photographer tied it for me around my neck because I didn’t know how. I don’t remember ever seeing that tie again. Come to think of it, perhaps I borrowed it.

The first tie I remember buying was this God awful cranberry colored tie that matched these God awful cranberry-colored pants I owned. I wore this tie and these pants with both white and black button down shirts and it looked equally dumb with either. I applied for several jobs wearing this tie/pant combo. I didn’t get any of them.

At Mazzio’s, Grandy’s and Pizza Hut my uniform consisted of a company-provided Polo. When I moved to Pizza Inn, my uniform became a button down shirt and a tie. I bought three button down shirts prior to the day I started: one pink, one blue, and one white. The cranberry tie didn’t match any of those shirts so I stopped by the closest thrift store and bought an IGA tie. I don’t mean a tie that was sold by IGA; I mean a tie that was issued to IGA employees. The tie was covered in pictures of food featuring the IGA logo. Over the next few months I picked up lots of other ties in varying shades of tacky.

I have two tie hangers hanging in my closet that came from the “As Seen on TV” aisle. Each one holds 20 ties. Both are full, meaning I own 40 ties — many so tacky I wouldn’t wear them outside the house. I decided to spend a few minutes this afternoon cleaning off the tie racks.

Here are some of the ties that did not survive the cut.

IGA Tie: Unless I get invited to a food convention, I just can’t imagine wearing this anywhere.
Circuit Board Tie: I have two other computer-themed ties, both better looking than this one.
Einstein Tie: If you have to wear a tie with Einstein on it to let people know you’re smart, you’re trying too hard.
Buckwheat Tie: Seemed appropriate at the time of purchase…
Irish/St. Patrick’s Day Tie: I have two of these for some reason.

Looney Tunes Tie: No.
Purple Bubbles: No.
Blue/purple swirls: No.
Looney Tunes Tie #2: No.
Mickey Mouse Tie: No. I mean, I went to Disney World and Disney Land and didn’t take or wear this tie. When else would I wear it?

Christmas Tie: Ho Ho No.
Christmas Tie 2: See above.
Flintstones Tie: Yabba Dabba Don’t.
Betty Boop: Boop-boop-be-don’t.
Bullwinkle Tie: Hey Rocky, watch me toss this tie into the cut pile.

That leaves me with this:

The serious ties (aka: the ones that cost more than $20) are on the left, with the fun ones on the right. The rack on the right contains half a dozen Star Wars ties, a Three Stooges tie, a poker cards tie, and several others. I’ve never worn most of these ties but should the occasion arise, I’m ready.