This weekend Susan and I took the kids to “Spooksville,” one of those small town Halloween festivals that is offered as a “safe alternative” to trick-or-treating. And without going too far off on a tangent, let me just say that trick-or-treating is not optional in my household — my two kids WILL march their cute little costumed butts door to door, regardless of weather conditions or social acceptance, gathering as much candy as possible every October 31st. Period. They will do this every year until the day comes when they get their licenses and are able to go to Halloween parties and get drunk with the other sixteen-year-olds. I can see the writing on the wall, folks — this year my kids are attending three different “safe alternative” Halloween functions, and I will allow them to attend these as long as they also continue the tradition of trick-or-treating. The day we no longer allow our children to knock on the homes of random strangers and ask them for things to eat is the day the terrorists have won.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Spooksville. Spooksville (aka the Community Center) contained approximately a dozen or so different activities for the kids, most of which seemed to be taken directly from the Bozo show. Kids threw ping pong balls into cups floating in a tub of water, tossed rings onto pointed witch hats, and threw bean bags at pieces of plywood with holes cut in them. Feed the yummy plywood ghost a bean bag! Boooor-ing. Then of course there were the non-skill based booths — the face painting, the craft making, the balloon-twisting. Zzzzzzz.

Oh mighty Satan, when did you lose your grasp on Halloween? Where have all the ghouls, goblins and demons gone? Mason, in his “Zombie Doctor” costume, stood out like a sore (and rotting) thumb among a sea of pirates and super heros. The girls’ costumes weren’t much better. The girls under seven or so were all dressed as Disney princesses: Snow White, Cinderella, etc. All the girls over seven seemed to be dressed as hookers, sluts, and go go dancers. I don’t know if they were supposed to be someone in particular (someone suggested Hanna Montana) or if they’d all just raided mommy’s closet, but it was pretty disappointing. I don’t remember seeing a single witch. There were no Freddy Kruegers, no Jasons, no Michael Myers, no demons, devils, ghouls, ghosts, goblins, or anything else scary or offensive. One poor kid was there in a Jango Fett outfit — ouch, welcome to the clearance aisle!

Just when I had just about given up hope on Spooksville, Halloween, and society in general, I spotted the line to the haunted house. I made up my mind that my kids WOULD be going through the haunted house. I smacked the pipe-cleaner ghost out of Morgan’s hand as I drug her over to the end of the line. The two of us waited there while Susan and Mason waited for a clown to twist a balloon in to the shape of a sword. Twisted balloon animals? On Halloween? It was time to show these kids what Halloween was really about.

After fifteen minutes of waiting, we (as a group of ten) were led into the haunted house, aka “the other half of the Community Center.” Apparently the tour comes in two flavors: “scary” and “little kids.” We were grouped with some other little kids so we received the “not-so-scary” treatment — but I have to tell you, especially for little kids, it was pretty scary.

The first room consisted of a jail cell with a gorilla in it. I’m not sure what’s so frightning about a gorilla that lands them in every haunted house, but they seem to regularly appear in haunted houses. I can remember seeing a Three Stooges flick with a gorilla on the loose in a haunted house, so it’s not a new phenomena. After passing a couple of dopey animatronic characters, we finally got to the good stuff.

First up was a stage coach with a guy in a skeleton mask, asking if anyone wanted to go for a ride. Nicely done! From there we were led into a really dark room blacklit room with ceramic masks adorning the walls. At least one of the masks was being worn by someone wearing all black, so the masks appeared to be floating and moving on their own. The overall effect was pretty cool and much more than I was expecting. After passing a room with an abandoned fridge full of plastic bloody body parts, we met a crazy doctor who was busy chopping a lady’s legs off. The lady was lying on a table with her legs hidden as the doctor slammed a hammer down on the operating table. The final two rooms of the haunted house were the only two movie themed rooms, the first being the puppet from Saw and the final room being a scene from The Ring. Unfortunately since we were on the kiddie tour very little happened in either room. Both looked great. As Samara appeared from behind a static-filled television, we were whisked out of the room and out of the building into the bright sunlight.

Looking back, I find it interesting that none of the horror classics from my generation (specifically Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers and Leatherface) made an appearance in the haunted house. Do kids these days not know who they are? Are they no longer scary? Back in my day you couldn’t have a haunted house without at least one machette and one chainsaw. Not only did none of my own nightmares show up, but none from earlier generations were there anywhere. None of the classics like Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy or the Wolfman were there either. Maybe those guys are all passe’ these days. If you want to scare youngsters these days, have a guy inside telling them there’s no cell phone coverage within the building. Nooooooooo!

Despite what these anti-Halloween maroons would like you to believe, my kids are fine. No nightmares, no trauma, no nothing. A good, haunted time was had by all. See you Wednesday night!