A long, long time ago, Gmail accounts were only available via invite only — you had to know someone to get one. A co-worker of mine ended up with a few invites and that’s how I originally got mine. After setting it up I didn’t use it for a couple of years. When I finally did log back in the inbox was mostly empty, save for a few spam e-mails inviting me to buy cattle.

Anyone who knows me knows how absurd the notion of me buying cattle is, but perhaps you only know me peripherally via the Internet and you’re thinking, “Well, he does live in Oklahoma, maybe people in Oklahoma buy cattle?” Allow me to clarify: I would never buy cattle. I don’t think I know anyone who owns cattle. My Uncle Kenny, who lives four hours away, owns some horses. We own a cat. I don’t know that I’ve ever physically touched a cow, although I’ve been close to a couple once or twice — and by close I mean, “separated by a fence.” I wouldn’t know what to do with a cow if I owned one. I haven’t worn cowboy boots since I was four years old. I’ve never owned a cowboy hat. I don’t even like watching westerns. You get the idea.

I was terrified when this picture was taken.

And yet somehow I’ve been receiving cattle-related e-mails in one form or another now for ten years. That’s a solid decade now of people trying to get me to buy cattle. For the most part when I respond to them directly the e-mails bounce. When I did manage to track down a working address I was told to “click on the unsubscribe link at the bottom of the e-mail.” That’s when I learned the hard way that “unsubscribe from this mailing list” is actually internet slang for “please send me more spam and give my address to other spammers.” In the beginning I used to only get cattle-related spam from one group. Now I get it from half a dozen.

One company (I removed their name because I don’t want to advertise for them) e-mails me twice a month to invite me to cattle auctions in Texas. If I didn’t make it clear earlier … boy, I feel like I made it pretty clear. I’ve never gone to a cattle auction. I would never go to a cattle auction. I can’t imagine what it would take to get me to a cattle auction. Anyway. The latest e-mail I received from them was not about cattle auctions. It was an invite to join their Facebook page.

I am so busy these days that I really don’t have the time to sit here and harass these people back with the level of effort they deserve. Sometimes, I wish I did.