95% of the time I go to lunch with Susan (since we work in the same building, it’s quite convenient). Probably 30% of the time Johnny goes with us, and maybe 5% of the time we get a group together and all go someplace. Then there’s the 1% of the time when I go with someone else completely.

Anyway, none of this matters; yesterday, Johnny and I went to lunch. Since we’re both dieting we were looking for someplace good to eat. Nothing came to mind, so we ended up at Arby’s.

Scanning the menu, my options were “a whole bunch of fatty meat sammiches” or “chicken salad, in a bowl or in a wrap.” Being the good little boy that I am, I picked the Chicken Salad Wrap. The girl at the counter then asked me if I wanted curly fries or regular fries. I then asked, “that’s it? That’s the only two choices?” I mean, here I am having a chicken wrap, I really don’t want to wash it down with some curly fries, you know? So then she says, “well, you can get deep fried potato wedges or mozzarella sticks.” Then I asked, “don’t you have anything healthy?” She said, “well, I guess the best choice would be the deep-fried potato wedges …” Disappointed, I said “okay, give me those I guess.” After paying, she handed me my cup so I could go get a drink, and 10 feet away I passed a big display of diet chips. “Hey, what are these?” I asked. “Can I get a bag of these instead?” The girl stammered, and finally another employee came to her rescue. “Sure!” he said. “Are they the same price?” I asked. “You bet,” the guy said. Well DUH — it seemed obvious that they had to offer SOMETHING ELSE besides deep fried side dishes. I grabbed a bag of Sun Chips and tossed them on my tray.

Johnny got a medium-sized roast beef sandwich, and the whole time he was eating it I was thinking, “haw haw you’re eating roast beef and I am an angel eating a chicken wrap.” So when we get back to work we look up the calories for each. A Medium roast beef sandwich from Arby’s has around 450 calories. Chicken Wrap? *650*. The Sun Chips were another 200, although I only ate about a third of them.

WHY WHY WHY do restaurants sell items posing as “healthy alternatives” that are really worse than their main dishes??!?!?!?!?