Several years ago, I tried my hand at stand up comedy. If I ever do it again, I will work this new original bit into my routine:

Last week just before taking off on a cross-country flight, my wife asked if she could move across the aisle from the right-hand side of the plane to an empty row on the left-hand side. The flight attendant said yes, but only because, in the row in front of us, someone from the left-hand side of the plane wanted to move to the right-hand side. Once we were in the air, the flight attendant said no one else could move seats.

Really? Are planes so balanced at this point that a person moving from one side to the other could throw the whole thing off balance? What happens when someone from the left-hand side of the plane gets up to use the restroom? Should one of us from the right-side scoot over temporarily? And what happens if the person in the bathroom, you know, goes number two? I’ve gone number two before and lost at least five pounds before! NOW I know why they stopped serving us peanuts on the plane — they’re using them as counterweights! Somewhere in the back of the plane, two flight attendants are frantically passing bags of peanuts back and forth to keep the plane balanced every time a passenger stands up!

To get on a plane today we go through metal detectors. Our stuff is x-rayed. Sometimes, WE are x-rayed. You cannot bring a gun, knife. box cutter, 4 ounces of shampoo, sharp stick, paperclip, stapler, Wiffle ball bat, or a bottle of water — a BOTTLE OF WATER — on a plane. Oh, but wait until the terrorists learn about this! “Pst. Hey guys. Set your watches. At EX-ACT-LY 8pm, everybody move over to the left-hand side of the plane. No, I’m not kidding, just do it. We will tip this plane over in the name of Jihad!”

Or, you know, something like that. And yes, I know a plane must be relatively balanced. It’s comedy, or at least an attempt at it.