There’s this stupid thing I do …

(A lot of my posts could start that way, actually.)

… that involves playing a made up game whenever I notice people eavesdropping on my conversations.

Here is how the game works: whenever I notice someone eavesdropping on me, I immediately start saying off-the-wall things. The point of the game is to get some sort of reaction (a laugh or a gasp, for example) from the eavesdropper without letting he or she know that I am in fact playing a game with them. If the eavesdropper suspects that I am doing this intentionally, I lose. If I get a reaction out of them, I win.

For example …

One time, Susan and I went out to a Chinese buffet for dinner. The couple next to us was obviously hanging on to every word we said. About halfway through the meal, this obnoxious Chinese Muzak song started playing loudly over the restaurant’s speaker system. Immediately I grabbed Susan’s hand and said, “Oh my God, they’re playing our wedding song!” The woman next to me literally spit out her drink. Busted. I win.

Last weekend at the Cheesecake Factory, Susan and I were seated so close to another couple that the average observer might have confused our “two parties of two” as “one party of four”. What made the seating even more awkward was the fact that, for whatever reason, the couple next to us weren’t speaking to each other. They spent almost their entire meal in silence, just listening to Susan and I talk. Right before we ordered dessert I leaned across the table and said, “You know I have to say, you are by far the nicest hitchhiker I’ve ever picked up.” That’s when the lady next to me laughed out loud. Busted. I win.

You can also try this game if you notice someone eavesdropping while you are on your cell phone, although one could argue that if you don’t want people hearing your cell phone conversations, perhaps you should not be having them in public. It’s also awkward when you’re in the middle of a conversation with a friend and suddenly start haggling over the price of hookers. Even if you manage to get a reaction out of the person eavesdropping, you still have to explain to your friend why the conversation took a turn in that direction.

The next time you hear me thanking my doctor over the phone for separating me from my conjoined twin, or telling Susan that I didn’t realize marrying my own cousin could be so wonderful, it’ll just be a secret between me, you, and whoever else happens to be listening …