This is one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard that didn’t involve me.

Years ago, several of us from work were sitting around drinking beer at Tim-Dog’s house when our co-worker’s boyfriend Chris told us his cow tipping story.

As everybody knows, cows sleep standing up by locking their knees in place. Cow tipping, for “those of y’all not from ’round these here parts”, is the art of sneaking up on a cow, shoving it over on to its side, and then running like hell before the thing gets up and starts chasing you. Growing up in Oklahoma, “everybody knows somebody” who has been cow tipping. Yee haw.

Now, here’s a few things about cow tipping you may not know. First of all, cows cannot lock their knees into place. Second of all, cows don’t sleep standing up. And third, an adult cow typically weighs anywhere from 1,000 to 1,400 pounds. (Point of reference; my old Ford Festiva weighed 1,800.) Believe it or not, a group of scientists got together and scientifically proved that it would take five adults to push over a cow. Cow tipping is a myth. But hey, who are we to let facts get in the way of a good story, right?

Chris was from California but had recently relocated to Oklahoma, and apparently after a long night of drinking, he and some friends decided to go cow tipping. (It should be noted that all cow tipping stories start with “after a long night of drinking”. It’s one of the rules.) So Chris and his buddies hopped into a pickup truck (again, a cow tipping prerequisite) in search of a field full of cows.

Before long, they found one. (Fields full of cows are not particularly scarce in rural Oklahoma.) Chris, probably more than a few shades to the wind by this point in time, staggered over to a standing cow.

“As I walked up to him,” Chris said, “I noticed he was giving me the eye.”

“Giving you the eye?” we laughed.

“Yeah. So I had to choke him out.”

At this point Chris attempted to put the cow in a headlock, a move, according to Chris and others who were present, the cow swiftly avoided. Amazingly, Chris was not injured. I seem to recall he tried a second time before the cow walked away.

“They’re pretty strong,” Chris added.

Man I miss hanging out with Chris.

(Rob and Chris, 1998)