Shortly after getting my first CD player (Christmas morning, 1991), I began purchasing CDs. What good is a CD player without any CDs to play on it, right? Unfortunately, shopping on my fast food income back then forced me to choose price over quality, which is really the only defense I have in admitting that I own any of these stinkers. I’m sure many of you own a CD or a DVD that you purchased “just to have something to play” when you brought your first player home. Somehow I amassed several, most of which should have been dumped in the garbage a long time ago. I’ve spent the last couple of months periodically ripping my entire CD collection (1,200+ discs) to MP3 format, and while going through my collection I’ve found quite a few bombs. With that, I now present to you the five worst CDs I own.
Yakety Yak – Take It Back!
I purchased this CD because of its bright packaging and list of celebrities printed on the front cover. This CD Maxi-Single is actually a collection of radio commercials. Hosted by Yakety Yak (a big, dumb, cartoon Yak with a hoop earring for extra street cred) and featuring such celebrities as Bugs Bunny, Pat Benatar, Charlie Daniels, Lita Ford, B.B. King, Queen Latifah, Kenny Loggins, Ozzy Osbourne, Tone Loc, Barry White and Stevie Wonder, this CD urges people to “buy stuff that’s recycled, and recycle the stuff you buy. Take it back!” I don’t know exactly what I was thinking when I bought this — wait, yes I do, it still has the .99 price tag on the cover. I’ve never thrown this CD into the garbage because its recycling theme makes me feel too guilty to do it.
Ren and Stimpy – Little Eediot Radio Interview Disc
Here’s another one I should have trashed long ago. At the time I thought maybe this was an interview a radio station did with the creators of the show or something, but in reality, Little Eediot is CD that allows radio DJs to interview the two cartoon characters about their show and new (at the time) album, You Eediot! Each track on the CD is a response to a specific question. Ask the right question, play the response, and you have an interview with Ren and Stimpy. I have no idea why I still own this. I keep thinking, “hey, maybe someday someone will ask me to interview Ren and Stimpy about their new television show or album (from the early 90s),” but so far no one has. “So, Ren, how’s the new season look?” Not too good.
Thunderstorm Sounds
While digging through a stack of used CDs years ago I ran across Metallica’s Ride the Lightning. I set it aside and continued digging. When it was time to leave I picked up the CD, paid for it, and left the store. Out in my car, I put the CD in and immediately outside I heard thunder and rain. This was especially odd as it was a bright sunny day and clearly was not raining. At this same time I began wondering why I did not hear Metallica playing in my car stereo. I eventually put two and two together and realized the thunder I was hearing was coming out of my radio. Instead of buying Ride the Lightning I had somehow accidentally picked up Thunderstorm Sounds on CD instead. In my defense, both covers do have lightning strikes on their covers. Every time I get ready to toss this CD in the trash I talk myself out of it, thinking that someday I may want to listen to a thunderstorm. It hasn’t happened yet, but you never know. What happens if I move to a desert someday?
James Bond Themes as performed by some random orchestra
Turns out, I don’t even know that many James Bond themes, and the ones on this disc I do know are tough to recognize as this entire thing is performed by some random orchestra (which is probably in reality a high school band). The only reason I’ve kept this CD is because I think no one else in the world would be dumb enough to buy this, which must make it pretty rare. As possibly the only copy in circulation, I’m hoping someday it becomes a rare collectable worth millions of dollars. At least, that’s how I advertise it every time I try to sell it on eBay for a penny. R@RE L@@K JAMES BOND .01 NO RESERVE.
Spooky Halloween Sound Effects
You 80s kids probably remember those cheap Halloween cassettes that flooded department stores once a year. These tapes consisted of an hour’s worth of Halloween sound effects, from rattling chains and moaning ghosts to cackling witches. Well, for $5, you can now own those same spooktacular cassettes on CD. Unfortunately, despite the increase in stereo fidelity and audio quality, this CD still sounds pretty stupid. What I thought was a spooky wind blowing on my old cassette turned out just to be hiss. With that gone, now it sounds like a bunch of underpaid studio interns standing around a mic pretending to be ghosts and black cats. Every year I consider putting a CD player out on my front porch and playing this CD but the sound effects are so lame that it would just be embarassing. Plus every year kids come by and smash my jack-o-lantern and I’d hate to see what they would do if I left a CD player out on the porch.
So there you have it, the Five Worst CDs I Own, all of which have now been ripped to MP3 format for their eternal preservation. Coming up in a few days will be my list of the worst one hit wonder CDs I have in my collection. The hardest part will be narrowing down the list to the top 100 or so.